Broadview Hawks Football Club

Hawks Welcome Demons to 'The House of Pain' July 31st

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On a cold and blustery morning, the Hawkers roused themselves from fitful slumbers with the bowel-releasing excitement of the first game at a new home ground. "The House Of Pain" as dubbed by some extremely skinny, non-threatening members of the team, is a fantastic new facility in the lovely suburb of Scarberia. Fears of syringe pricks and stabbings were quickly pushed to the side upon arrival at this magnificent venue and the more pressing issues of retrieving footballs from the machinery yard were taken up.

Other challenges ensued and were quickly made evident when Forbes "I go where the Twisties are mate" Gemmell, was seen to kick the ball out of bounds and then take off around the field pulling his jumper over his head, sliding on his knees and trying to encourage rough man love... it turns out Gemmell had kicked the ball out of bounds on the full - but through the previous season's still remaining soccer nets, giving the poor fellow the illusion of a goal.

Sources report Coach Walter having to hold back Mario "Give me some of that action too" Pareja from leaving the bench to enter the fray, whilst Chris "Old Man" Phyland was heard to comment "Oh what do you expect with hair like that and a brain the size of his cucumbers, the damn gino wanna-be".

Soccer illusions aside, the game went like clockwork for the Hawks. The new surface proved a launching pad for Jono Barlow and a much improved forward line with the relegation of Dan "Superset" Walker to the role of VP Oranges and Orange-related activities. His venom only too apparent with the relegation, Walker seemed to be wandering aimlessly and muttering like a wild man on the sideline with things like "That bloody Walter, look at him so small and cocky, sort of like a Chihuahua in one of those fancy jackets you see down town... yeah the bloody little Chihuahua...yeah."

With Pareja busting packs and Nick "The Pink shirt tonight or the Pinky shirt Metro?" Shuttleworth picking up stats at will, the game soon went in favour of the Hawks. "Jonothumb" Barlow's early heroics soon waned through the second as he was seen crawling on hands and knees searching for water like a dog in the desert. Word soon spread that several of the Hawks had hit downtown bars the preceding lunch time and had not left the sordid scene until well into the evening - possibly including a drug filled hootenanny at the famous Transac club with Brendan Bell, club stalwart. "I was not sure whether Jono was searching for water or his heart or some testicles for a minute there", quipped Cracky.

Barlow felt the coach's wrath as he stumbled in to the bench: "Where the #@$k were you last night Barlow!!?" Walter screamed. "With you dicknose" came the witty response. Walter, as always when lost for words, grunted and returned his gaze to the game, searching the field for more culprits from the Friday Superbinge.

Frodo Baggins collected a million kicks as usual as the Hawks ran away with the game in the second half. Certainly a change of heart had occurred in Walter, who had earlier in the day been seen berating the Harris brothers not only as they turned up late for the game - but chasing them on to the field hurling further insults and at one point picking up some dirt and tossing it after Aubrey "BBC said it's true so it has to be" Harris.

John "Can you stop the sun for an hour, I am just finishing an exam and would still like to get a tan" McGrath scurried around the midfield and forward line to gather quite a few possessions in a late start season that is on the build. With the last quarter proving a free for all and lightning the only thing stopping Stefan "Spooky aren't I, oooooohhhhh" Leyhane from getting kicks, the game rattled to a finish with the injured knee of Shuttsie18.

The Chihuahua now preening itself and taking on more of a poodle's arrogance, Walter stormed around the sheds yelling "Twisties for all at my house tonight, we're gonna party like it's 1999! I'm also preparing a home made guacamole dip. Bring your friends!"

But it was not to be.

As Walter sat around an empty Soho apartment, his mind and fingers wandered. Furious texting ensued and he soon discovered an undercover party occurring at a place where he wasn't. "You've got to be kidding me?!" he wailed. "To think I went to all this trouble with my guac dip and these pricks are around at Carter's eating Cheezels. It doesn't make sense!". It was soon public knowledge that Ben "My Cheezel Bowl is just over there Stef and you should also try the hand made sushi rolls, they're to die for" Carter had conducted a party seemingly devoid of Walter and a few other lost souls who could not attend for fears of conference-call style issues arising.

It is unknown what became of the remainder of the evening although some would suggest the UFO sighted in the Wellington Street area was in fact Walter's bowl of guac dip hurtling across a moonlit sky.

You can catch your Hawks back in action on August 9th against the Roos at the House of Pain.