Broadview Hawks Football Club

Hawkers Win Shocker Against the Eagles September 17th, 2007

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The Broadview Hawks delivered a booming message to the OAFL over the weekend when they pulled out a four goal victory over the Toronto Eagles, in what was arguably the club's most significant win in recent memory. After a solid but ultimately failed round against the Roos in the season's final match-up, the Hawks were able to take a lot of positives from their experience, and built on those all week at training.

Further, even with shockingly poor performances from embattled VP Social Forbes "I'll do nothing and call it outsourcing" Gemmell and a non-existent female relations branch formerly manned by the ruthlessly dictatorial Marc "I have to make quarterly trips to Ottawa to meet girls I haven't struck-out with" Mageriowicz, the Hawks managed to pull together another successful Ladies Day. Designed to thank the Hawk better halves for another summer of cancelled plans and absentee gentlemen, the Hawks brass pulled together a fantastic feast for their lady folk who turned out in droves to support the squad. "I don't know much 'bout this footy thing, but I do know sparkling wine," said one attendee, who certainly didn't miss the opportunity to take note of one key absence on the day. "It's Ladies Day, so obviously Smitty wasn't welcome," she said. "I heard from an assistant coach that the team shipped him up north to try and avoid the obvious embarrassment," she added.

With the disgraced VP out of the picture, unnamed, injured and past Hawks were more than willing to cater to the ladies' every need, and given the swelling size of the Hawk day care department, all conversation and jocularity remained above board, with only a few exceptions coming from the always uncouth Jono "Rat-weasel" Barlow, who insisted upon regaling the crowd with inappropriate tales of South American brothels. As a result, early reports have Hawk drought-artists Marc "Smitty" Mageriowicz, Brian "How'd I get in this one" Cowie and Richie "No seriously, baby, firefighters are automatically heroes" Jenner, booked on flights to the region within days. Their availability is in serious question for next week's contest.

A chilly morning greeted the teams at Humber North, and had the normally tough as nails Walker brothers questioning their decision to travel to the Northern Hemisphere. "It's bloody miserable out here," started Luke, the eldest of the two. "Just look over there at Dan, I think that tear is actually frozen to his face," he added. Given presense of the ladies though, the Hawks were hard-pressed to show any level of weakness or discomfort, and quickly donned the shorts and jumpers to begin what has easily been the Hawks most desperate warm-up session of the entire season. "No matter what I do, I'm chilled right to the bone," remarked J.D. "Massive for a pigmy" Ney which, in fairness, is not difficult to accomplish for the diminutive winger.

Once the game started though, there was certainly no question which was the hotter team, as the Hawks in typical fashion came out flying, giving the shocked Eagles zero room to operate their dangerous running game. Inspired by the selfless play of Rhys "Frodo" Harris, the Hawks took their run and gun style of play to the reigning premiers and never looked back. In fact, it was largely the core Canadian contingent that stepped-up in big way to ensure the eventual victory. Stand-out performances from Matty "I don't just play well for the Northwind anymore" Bernardo; Ian "Metro" Graham; Mario "Body of a cigarette machine" Pareja; and a brilliant backline tour de force from Kevin "Zuccato who?" Bridgman were the rule of the day. Combined with outstanding performances from the usual cast of suspects from the Aussie engine room, the Hawks were truly unbeatable, having their way with a shell-shocked Eagles side.

With goals flying all over the ground from John "Ladies day is more complicated than you might think" McGrath; Richie "I can slice apart a defense or a tuna roll with equal precision" Mintz and of course Dan "Everyday is Ladies Day" Walker. In fact, the play up front was so inspiring, that two surprising Hawk future stars did their best to get into the action when Anne "Seriously, it's a really tough dude's name back home" Vos, launched a beautiful, albeit dangerously high pass to a streaking Ney who caught the pass right in the goal square. What looked like a sure goal for the unlikely duo was tragically nullified by a trip called behind the play, and a whimpering Ney was forced to hand the ball over to team-mate Mintz, who slotted the easiest goal of his OAFL life, the kind of shot Ney had at least a 25% chance of converting.

Despite the incident, both players were able to see past it largely due to the team-building efforts of the dynamic Vos-Bridgman tag-team who never seem to miss a chance to show-off that often awkward backline solidarity. "How can I stay mad at J.D. for accusing me of taking a dive when you have those two frolicking around like that. It just warms your heart," said an emotional Mintz. Regardless of the antics, the Hawks were unstoppably dominant on the day, and finished the fourth with the game well in hand.

In a post game interview, coach Walter was obviously ecstatic, but characteristically cryptic. "I think the reason we won, is... um... as such the Aussie... Australians along with the South Africa and even the Canada were... um... as such as they found the ball." Despite being largely nonsensical, Walter did seem to touch on the notion that it took more than just the Hawks' all-star lineup of Aussies to take the win. Adding a few token musings about what it takes to be coach of the year, Walter turned his attention quickly back to the ongoing Ladies Day festivities. Seeing as it is playoff time, the team has become standoffish with the media, unwilling to divulge any information regarding injuries, simply stating the requisite upper body injury to player A, and a lower body injury to player B. In fact, the only player to escape this sort of protectionism seems to be the absent Mageriowicz, who is listed on the team's official injury report as suffering a non-football related bruised ovary.

The Broadview Hawks can be seen next on Sept. 22nd, at Humber North against the Etobicoke Kangaroos, in what should be the match of the year.