Broadview Hawks Football Club

Hawkers Gorge On 'Roo Roadkill September 30th, 2006

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Hawks 11. 6. (72)
def. Kangaroos 8. 11. (59)

With the OAFL season coming to a climactic end, just three teams remained in the hunt for premiership glory. The Broadview Hawks had taken the long run home, after a nail biting five point loss to the Toronto Eagles in the opening round, only to bounce back with a crushing win over the Dingos in the first semi final. In a result that surprised many experienced observers, the Etobicoke Kangaroos, who had dominated the regular season, were comprehensively flogged in their semi final against the Eagles and were forced to endure a cut throat preliminary final against the emerging Hawks. The 'Roos were unbackable favourites to roll over the upstart Hawks and with both clubs having a passionate dislike of one another, neither club was going to leave anything out on the field. In their only meeting earlier in the season, the 'Roos convincingly beat an undermanned Hawk unit that had yet to find their wings.

However, the Hawks went into the game full of confidence and momentum. The entire list worked hard at the two mandatory training sessions and the players were on the verge of making club history. One of the players who has been under much scrutiny since his big money signing has been the club's franchise player, Jonathon Barlow. Barlow's contract was heavily weighted to involve off field activities for the Hawks front office but also mining giant, Ironbark. A recent OAFL investigation into the club's financial dealings had attempted to get the bottom of rumoured salary cap rorts and under the table payments but had turned up nothing. In what was a surprise to the club and the footballing world, the luxurious offices were the site of an extravagant launch of Head Coach Marty Walter's autobiography, "45 Years of Mediocrity - And there's plenty more where that came from", as told to Jonathon Barlow. Despite the promise of free beer and a feed, not one media organisation turned up to cover the event and Pisspoor Publishing reported sales have been slow. A company CEO explained. "We've sold about two hundred copies so far. Marty's old man bought one, his brother Steve got one and then Walter bought the other hundred and ninety eight." Walter said he was happy with the final product and that his story was a likely Pulitzer prize winning piece of literature. "There's some great stuff in there. A few funnies about Steve and I tipping sleeping cows over in their sleep in rural Victoria. The 'Playboy' magazine I kept under my bed until I was twenty seven. Then some amusing anecdotes about me trying to lose my virginity, which I eventually did when I was forty one. Does it count if it's a fee for service arrangement?" Barlow was less enthusiastic about the work and shuffled uncomfortably in his seat. "I can handle the football stuff. Even getting bent over his oak desk once in a while was bearable. But if have to hear one more of his f%$#ing yarns, I'm going to leap out of the thirty fifth floor window and end the misery right here and now".

The club also had positive news when it welcomed back to the organisation, Matt "Betty Ford Clinic" Parik. Parik had had a disasterous year on and off the field with problems of patchy form and then the much publicised urination on the dance floor incident. This was soon followed up with his drunken groping romp, then scuffle with senior club executives at the Black Bull. Many organisations would have just washed their hands of their troubled star player but with the full support of the Hawk front office, Parik managed to turn his titanic like frame around and straighten out his life. Parik explained "It's been a tough year. I was on fire early with the Hooter's chick but then the drought set in. I got hurt, lost fitness, wasn't sure where the next action was coming from and uncontrolled drinking and inappropriate behavior set in. There may have even been a drunken tirade at a Pakistani cab driver, but certainly nothing antisemitic. So, I checked into a rehab facility, dried out and now I don't have more than twenty five beers on a night out and the things are under control. It's great to be back and part of the Hawks family".

Fans were hanging from the rafters at yet another sell out crowd, at the wet and windy Humber Field. There was controversy during the pre game formalities when despite having players literally hopping all over the ground, the 'Roos claimed to be short of able bodies and wanted to only play sixteen players. This was not dissimilar to the stunt pulled by the Dingos just a week earlier and for reasons that aren't clear, other teams felt they were more of a chance against the rampaging Hawks with fewer numbers on the field. It was clear gamesmanship and may be within the OAFL by-laws, but certainly is not in the spirit nor the interests of the game. It seemed that some of the football department at Etobicoke were a couple of Kangaroos short in the top paddock.

The Hawks sprung a surprise of their own immediately before the game when Ritchie "Peg Leg" Mintz, who had suffered a season ending knee injury earlier in the year, miraculously rose from the disabled list and suited up. This seemed to lift the Hawks who went into the game underdogs but ready to cause another boil over.

Kicking with aid of a five goal breeze, the Hawks who have had problems with slow starts this season, charged out of the blocks and set the early trend. With ferocious tackling, hunting in packs, desperation for every ball, it was clear from the get-go that the boys from Broadview had come to play. With second, third and fourth efforts and an unfaltering will to win, the Hawks were all over the 'Roos, winning contested ball at the stoppages and kicking long into a rampant forward line. One could feel the whole team lift when Mintz kicked the first major of the day, marking strongly and kicking accurately and then backed up with another for two of his three goals for the day. The 'Roos could not find a match up for him and were run ragged by the on fire John 'JMac' McGrath, who was all over the ground in his newly arrived white shoes, booting two goals. His fellow on ballers, Barlow, Harris, Gemmell were everywhere and Sean "Wide Body" Palin found some ball and with his razor like left boot, split the uprights. Then the league's leading goalkicker, Ben "City Slicker" Carter added another and the Hawks had busted the game wide open with a six goal first quarter and could sniff a berth in the Grand Final. Experts watching the game soon realised that the 'Roos sixteen player stunt had backfired badly as there were wide open spaces for the Hawks to run into and the 'Roos were unable to get numbers back.

Defending into the howling gale in the second quarter, the much vaunted defence were gallant, holding the 'Roos to just two goals and able to set up play themselves. Led as always by club captain and OAFL Legend, Stefan "Pinky Finger" Leyhane, who played despite a serious hand injury. Leyhane was everywhere, running off half back with his trusy flankers, Andrew "You Got That Right" Ackles and the strong body of Big Bad James Benic. Barlow was getting back to help mop up across half back and the last line of defence were rock solid with the old school crew of Kevin "Organic" McLean and Kevin "Clark Kent" Bridgman, ably supported by good minutes from Anne "Amsterdam" Voss. In the meantime, the Hawks were able to score two goals of their own. The only blemish to the quarter was a minor misunderstanding from Paul "The Glove" Zuccato, who was sensational at fullback. After a ball hit the post and rebounded back onto the field, Zuccato, whose initial football schooling was in American Football where the ball is still live in such a situation, was unaware that in Aussie Rules, this is a behind and play comes to a halt. As an unsuspecting 'Roo innocently picked up the ball, it was full steam ahead for the Zuccato train which charged through, splattering the marsupial all over Humber Field. Zuccato was subsequently carded and sent off for the remainder of the quarter, in what was an innocent mistake by a first year rookie of the game. The Hawks went into the half five goals ahead and a match winning lead.

The second half had a complete change of complexion when strong winds eased and the heavens opened up, turning the game into a slippery mud fest and making scoring difficult. The 'Roos, having been completely outplayed, started to make a charge and work their way back into the game and just when it looked like they were making an impact, Robert "Bob the Builder" Hillier, who played his heart out all day in his typical battering ram style, kicked a steadying goal. Rhys "Frodo" Harris, who was forced to leave the field with a hamstring strain, started undressing and putting his tracksuit on, before tearing it back off and hobbling back onto the field for another crack. His brother, Aubrey "Quiet Achiever" Harris was completely poleaxed by a bigger opponent and lesser men would have needed assitance from the ground. Instead, Harris bounced back up and got involved in the next contest. Again, Matty "Ally McBeal" Bernardo was putting his body on the line, with inspirational acts of courage and the Hawks were just a quarter away from the first Saturday in October.

In a tense last quarter, the Hawks again ran themselves into exhaustion and defended grimly. In a passage of play that typified their desperation, the 'Roos seemed certain to score when a player had the ball near the goal line but was literally picked up by three Hawks in a gangbang like tackle and carried over the line. The Hawks played smart football, using the clock and boundary line before Carter sealed the win with a trademark set shot. It was an old fashioned finals upset as the previously dominant 'Roos were bounced out of the finals in straight sets.

In scenes never previously seen at Humber Field, there was complete bedlam with security unable to restrain delirious Hawk fans and family from storming the field. Excited supporters could barely contain themselves and riot police needed to be called to clear the field, all clamoring to get on the Hawk bandwagon in one of the greatest and most emotional wins in club history.

At the post game press conference, club captain Leyhane didn't even bother to speak and just turned on his tape recorder with the same bullshit post game cliches that he has delivered to the media all season long. "We were pleased with our effort today. We said at the start of this playoff campaign, that we needed to win three games during September and October. Today was the second step in that process and we have one more to go next week against the Eagles. We're not getting too carried away. It's been a long season and it's going to be a big week in football. We feel we can compete with the best in this league and we think we're a chance." Not unexpectedly, Head Coach Marty Walter, always good for a throw away line, was more forthcoming. He was also sporting a new playoff haircut and has replaced his mullet look with that of a four year old preschool kid whose Mum was in a hurry."You're f%$#ing kidding me aren't you Leyhane? We were sensational today. We were awesome. How about me bringing Mintz back into the pocket? Is anyone interested in buying a good book? I've got a hundred and ninety eight of them for sale".

The post game euphoria continued as the club celebrated their huge win with a house party at the home of the club captain and CEO, Stefan "Who hid my linens?" Leyhane. In what was an absolutely cracking shindig, King St was rocking as players and heavy hitters from the front office mingled and reminisced about the history making day. Ritchie "Hell's Kitchen" Mintz was weaving some culinary magic and dozens of groupies seemed to have infiltrated the function. Even opposing players from the Demons had heard about the terrific after hours social life of the Hawks and were looking to get in on the action. The club's VP Security, Paul "The Glove" Zuccato had abandoned his post early in the evening, sometime around his twenty third beer. The club's runner, Matty "Birthday Suit" Snare was apparently confused about the theme of the bash, clearly thinking he was at a pool party, as he staggered around, completely MC Hammered with his shirt off and his pants about to go. He also put on a Tasmanian mating ritual clinic, rubbing his three day old stubble onto unsuspecting ladies and dropping his vodka all over them. "Ever since Matt Parik cleaned up his act, the club has really needed a guy who can step up to the plate on a night out and really push the envelope. I think I've plugged that gap quite well" he explained.

The club's VP Healthcare, Brian "I'm on call" Cowie made a late appearance, having missed the game after actually being on call for once. Players greeted him warmly then took the opportunity to get a quick five minute consult on all their various end of season ailments. A clearly frustrated and sober Cowie lashed out. "F%$# me. I'm just trying to work this room and line up some kind of project. I'm happy enough to offer up some free garbage unqualified advice on joint and soft tissue injuries, but I'll be f$%#ed if I'm going to do all the annual prostate examinations at a function like this. Where do I send these consult bills too?"

Somewhere in the mix, it seemed to have been forgotten that this was actually a birthday party for Leyhane's wife Karen. "It could have been worse. Stef could have just got me a lap dance at 'For Your Eyes Only' like he did last year so I guess this is a step up from that. Why won't Snarey put his shirt back on? He needs a wax" she philosophically explained.

The Hawks take on the Toronto Eagles next Saturday in the OAFL's Grand Final at Humber Field.