Broadview Hawks Football Club

Dingos Bark Worse Than Their Bite as Hawkers in Full Flight September 23rd, 2006

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After a wonderful first week of the OAFL playoffs, the Broadview Hawks were left battered and bruised following their heartbreaking five point defeat to the Toronto Eagles. With a demeanor on which successful dynasties are built, the club battoned down the hatches and prepared for their upcoming clash with cross town rivals, the Toronto Downtown Dingos.

The club again had excellent numbers at their two training sessions and were determined that they would not be exiting from the finals series in straight sets. However, there was a major equipment hiccup on the Tuesday night after Chris "Four Dollar Bowl Cut" Phyland flew out of town on business, leaving his car stranded at Pearson Airport containing all the club's footballs and training gear. Injured player Micheal "Moonray" Ray has apparently abandoned his VP Logistics portfolio and denied any responsibility for the incident. "With my broken leg, I can barely get my own pants on at the moment. How the hell can I keep an eye on all the f%$#ing gear too?". The team was forced to scramble around for some last minute contigency equipment to allow proceedings to continue.

The club had an unusually quiet week off the field as players made sacrifices to ensure on field success. Forbes "The Squirrel" Gemmell set the early tone with his dietary modifications, forever nibbling on bananas, raisins and nuts. Other senior players made a pact to cease their consumption of alcohol and when news of this leaked out, the share price in leading brewery companies plummetted with the realisation of an impending dramatic drop in sales. Even the club's social headquarters, Philthy McNasty's, briefly filed for Chapter Eleven bankruptcy protection, knowing that without the usual Hawk support that week, they could no longer pay their bills. The alcohol ban had varying effects on players and notably, Paul "The Glove" Zuccato was having particular difficulty with the transition. "Yeah, for the first day or two, I was having these funny sweats, shakes and palpitations that I never really could explain. Then I realised that when I do that silly dance with my hands above my head screaming 'Woah baby. Good times', it really only works when I've had fifteen vodka red bulls".

There was also talk that the club would institute an abstinence policy with a ban on sexual relations. This was greeted with mixed feelings by the playing group who have absolutely dominated the Toronto nightlife scene in recent months. Club stalwart Kevin "Clark Kent" Bridgman, explained. "Those of us who are married or have long term exclusive partners, we're not really seeing any action outside of Christmas, birthdays and anniversaries anyway, so we were all on board with the new policy". However, this feeling was not mutual and the players were unable to reach any consensus on the issue. "Look, this is just starting to get f$#%ing ridiculous. I'm happy to eat a couple of muesli bars. I can cut back to just double figure beers a day. But if I go more than twenty four hours without unloading, my boys downstairs are ready to explode" explained the club's VP Female Relations John "JMac" McGrath. Hawkers Head Coach and OAFL Coach of the Year, Marty Walter also weighed in on the issue. "I really could care less. The last time I saw any tail was when a rat walked across my grotty kitchen floor. With a strong right hand and very high speed internet, I have all the tools required to service my own needs".

On the first weekend of fall, a sell-out crowd packed the stands at Humber Field for the much anticipated first semi final, with the Broadview Hawks against reigning premiers the Toronto Downtown Dingos. The two clubs had developed quite the rivalry in recent years and split their two regular season clashes, with the Dingos running away with the first meeting, but the resurgent Hawks destroying the Dingos in the second. With the ground heavy underfoot after midweek rain, the game was destined to be a low scoring slugfest. With typical finals intensity, it was a hot ball in the first quarter with fierce tackling and tough body work in the clinches with neither team able to gain the ascendancy. Gemmell, who had a sensational opening few minutes to the game, was forced to leave the field with a nasty head gash that would later require a dozen stitches. This seemed to unsettle the Hawks as the Dingo midfield got on top and continued to attack, leaving the much heralded Hawk defence under siege. Yet again, it was the fiercely competitive OAFL all stars, Paul "The Glove" Zuccato and Stefan "Straight Gay Guy" Leyhane who held the backline together under immense pressure. They were ably supported by Anne "My Old Man's a Dutchman" Voss, who effected some strong spoils in his back pocket role and Andrew Ackles, whose sensational last half of the season continued. Jonathon "Franchise" Barlow was finding some ball and kicked the Hawks only major. The Dingos went into the quarter time huddle a few points ahead.

In the second quarter, again the Hawks looked flat and the Dingos dominated all around the field. Ben "Steel Magnolias" Carter made his presence felt with a mark and goal but the Hawks were outscored and outplayed. Forbes "The Mummy" Gemmell courgageously returned to the field with his head strapped with rolls of gauze and white tape, which required regular reinforcements throughout the afternoon, leaving him looking like a character out of a Wes Craven horror movie. The Hawks were in all kinds of trouble at half time, out of sync and rhythm, two goals down and looking down the barrell of an early exit from the playoffs.

If nothing else, this tight knit squad who started preseason training in the snow earlier this year, have learned to believe in each other. There was no panic at the break and Head Coach Marty Walter made some key changes, swinging Rhys "Frodo" Harris from the centre into the forward line and bringing Chris Phyland and Barlow onto the ball. In a complete turnaround to the first half, there was a sense of urgency about the Hawks and they started to want the ball more and hunt in packs. The midfield started to get on top with Robert "Bob the Builder" Hillier getting his hands on some ball in the ruck and using his crash and bash style to split some packs open. In perhaps the most dominating individual quarter of football ever seen in the OAFL, JMac McGrath carried the team on his back with double figure possessions and then two sensational running goals as the Hawks hit the lead for the first time. Barlow, who hasn't been his usual dominant self since recovering from his knee injury, lost a one-on-one contest near the Dingo sideline. In poor fashion, their whole bench and fans unloaded a completely unnecessary tirade on him. Always the consumate professional, Barlow didn't bother wasting any energy with trash talking and with a steely resolve, willed himself back into the game with half a dozen contested possessions for the quarter. He helped set up "Frodo" Harris, who was proving to be the wild-card, by booting two goals for the quarter as the Hawks headed into the three quarter time huddle just in front.

The whole team continued to lift across the field as Hawks could smell Dingo blood and a place in the following week's preliminary final. The midfield continued to dominate the centre clearances and all around the ground. The Hawks were in front, desperate and would not be denied. Kevin McLean was rock solid all day in defence, then JD Ney won a free kick at half forward after a big tackle and had the presence of mind to find Gemmell, whose whole body was now completely convered in bandages and who slotted through his first major of the game. Matty "Legal Leech" Bernado was again putting his body where others fear to tread.

In the tense finale, the Hawks threw themselves into every contest and ran themselves into exhaustion. Brian "Mudlark" Cowie, whose washing machine was apparently broken after turning up to the game in the same filthy, unwashed uniform from the previous week, had been unsighted for most of the game but lifted with a huge last quarter and then sealed the game with one of his trademark bombs from outside fifty, that never looked like missing. The Hawks ran out twenty point winners in one of the greatest wins in the club's history, sending the Dingos tumbling out of the playoffs.

In emotional post game scenes, the Hawk players embraced and took time to acknowledge their teammates who were injured or missed selection. Ian "Punky" Brewster lent his support from the sidelines and has regularly attended training. Ritchie "Bar Mitzvah" Mintz was on hand, as he has been for most of the season and nobody enjoyed the win more than Hawks star, Matt "Megaphone" Snare, who controversially missed selection, despite polling votes in the final home and away game. With his booming voice and his pace around the field, he has been the team's runner, delivering instructions with aplomb, motivating the team when they are down and offering coaching advice. Never once has he expressed disappointment and he has been the complete team guy, whose contribution has been invaluable. Brendan Bell has played a similar role. Injured Hawk star Richie "Lunch Cut" Jenner, who was officially appointed the club's assistant coach during the week, has similarly barely missed a training session, game or social function to help the club achieve success. It was a win for the ages and Humber Field felt more like a rock concert than an arboretum when the Hawks belted out their club song.

At the post game press conference, club captain Leyhane faced the media in his typically laconic, cliche ridden style, giving very little away. "Like we talked about last week, to win the premiership, we needed to win three games during the months of September and October. We've now one won. It's just another step in the process and there are still two to go. We're not getting too carried away. We're just talking it one week at a time and we're happy to get the four points. We're looking forward to the challenge of taking on the Roos next week." Head Coach Marty Walter was a little more animated. "F%$# me that was a terrific win. I started getting chest pains in the tight last quarter, almost like a stingray barb to the heart. Fortunately we're about two thousand miles from the ocean, so that seemed pretty unlikely. I can't wait to try my 'OAFL Coach of the Year' line at the bars tonight as I'm really starting to run out of material".

The club gathered at Hemingway's for their post game function and took control of the top floor patio with huge numbers. Paul "The Glove" Zuccato relished his return to an amber fluid diet and very quickly had his arms above his head doing his famed "Good Times" shimmy, then later had his shirt off doing a pole dance routine for a surprised audience. Whilst this behaviour may be acceptable in his preferred King West district, it is not exactly a regulation night for the chic Yorkville crowd. Jonathon "Jimmy Connors" Barlow appeared late in a hideous outfit, apparently ready to hit the court in a canary yellow, old school tennis polo shirt, that even the United Way rejected for its homeless drive. "Now that I'm tight with Vicki, there's not much point me trying to glam things up in expensive Banana Republic gear. I know who I'm going home with so I'm just testing the boundaries of what is socially acceptable and I think I really pushed the envelope tonight". Vicki was less impressed. "It's all very well for Jono to be in the comfort zone now but I wouldn't wipe my toilet down with that thing he was wearing and his boys won't be seeing any action until that horrendous thing is in the trash". Club executives were dismayed at what they thought was the worst shirt they'd ever seen but a surprise last minute appearance by Richie "Polka Dot" Mintz, in a disasterous purple spotted number, left even experienced observers speechless. Mintz explained. "Screw you guys. The last time I was out this late, this shirt was in fashion! When did we switch from dots to stripes? No one told me anything!"

Chris "Four Dollar Bowl Cut" Phyland was left to outline the terrible trimming of his locks that almost overshadowed the fashion disasters of the evening. "It's all about time and economics. I pay this Korean bloke four bucks in Chinatown. He's not even a hairdresser and I think he runs a noodle shop. He only takes a minute or two to sit the bowl over my lucky Phil and trim away and this leaves me with a few extra dollars to get a Big Mac meal on the way home". Forbes "The Mummy" Gemmell made an appearance, and his head bandage had been replaced with a couple of sutures. Controversially, Gemmell had been seen at the walk in clinic at The Women's College Hospital, normally reserved only for females. A hospital spokesman addressed the awaiting media. "Forbes will be okay. He's in a stable and satisfactory condition. It's true that this is a women's hospital but what with his feminine features, his well manicured nails, the moisturiser and his product filled curly locks, we felt he went pretty close to fulfilling most of our requirements of being a chick and we looked after him regardless". The evening ended with several senior Hawks, who are well known for their altruistic roles in the community, politely offering to help a couple of Brazilian girls brush up on their English language skills over a couple of tequilas. This was about as welcome as a Zinedine Zidane headbutt and it soon became clear that a role exists in the organisation for a VP Cultural Relations, to help smooth over some of the international faux pas that have plagued the organisation in recent times. It was an untidy ending to an otherwise memorable day for the club.

The Hawks face the Etobicoke Roos in next week's preliminary final at Humber Field.