Broadview Hawks Football Club

Feathers Fly in Birds of Prey Finals Showdown September 16th, 2006

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The distinctive smell of finals fever blew into Toronto as the first week of the OAFL playoffs began. After a hugely successful regular season, both on and off the field, the Broadview Hawks late season surge had filled the club with the confidence needed to realise its premiership dreams.

The Hawks' brainstrust met during the week to formulate a plan for its finals tilt. Buoyed by the return from injury and suspension of two of the club's marquee players, Jonathon "Franchise" Barlow and Paul "The Glove" Zuccato, the Hawks were quietly confident about their chances and were just three games away from a historical first flag. The club had two short and sharp training sessions with good numbers out as players pushed for selection in the line up. A hush came over the club's traning venue, when Sean "Gonads in Danger" Palin miraculously appeared at his first training session for the year. "I told my heavily pregnant wife, who was going into labour at the time, that I was just going to warm up the car. Instead, I left her with the twins who were running rampant late afternoon and headed straight to Coronation Park". Surprised club executives were amazed he could even find the ground, given he had never been there before but his wife and the club's Associate Director of Family Relations, Julie Palin, was less impressed. "That bastard can forget about weasling out with just a circumcision. I'll have his nuts in a jar on the mantle piece before this season's over."

In another surprise, Hawks spearhead Ben "I've finally unpacked" Carter managed to get to training, after his exhaustive moving process that has apparently taken most of the season. As he and his lovely wife Jen set up camp in their new hip and happening downtown abode, the couple resisted the urge to hit the nightclubs and have instead partied hard by sipping hot cocoa on their floral couch, planting daffodils on the balcony and then watching their favourite movies "Beaches" and "Steel Magnolias". However, it hasn't all been rosy as a frustrated Carter explained. "When I lived out in the burbs, it was pretty easy to come up with excuses to get out of training and club functions. Now that I live across the street from our pub and training ground, I'm going to need a whole new book of material to weasel out of things. I might save the 'I got stuck in the elevator' one for later on in the season."

It was an exciting week for the club with the launch of the team's new uniform, a very stylish black Autumn jacket. With a discrete Hawks logo on the left arm, it was an event that made headlines in the fashion centres of Milan and New York. Players were presented with their new apparel and proudly paraded around the club's social headquarters, Philthy McNasty's, clearly elevating the bar of bare minimum standard attire for a Thursday night. Fashion houses Armani and Ralph Lauren were green with envy at the launch, that was the result of a generous donation from club sponsor Ironbark and its CEO, Marty Walter. "Yeah, I was getting tired of most of our blokes looking like homeless dudes out the front of the Salvation Army bus, so I decided it was time to ramp it up a notch" explained Walter. However, a leaked internal club memo suggested that there may have been other motives behind the move. In an excerpt from the revealing document, Walter was ordering his young protege Barlow to organise the jackets "I thought maybe if we were all wearing the same clothes, that I might get mistaken for one of the better looking guys like Gemmell or McGrath and I might finally get to butter someone's bagel."

After a week of heavy rain, it was a wet and muddy Humber Field that greeted players for the much anticipated clash between OAFL heavyweights, the Broadview Hawks and the Toronto Eagles. In one of the best finals games in league history, these two evenly matched squads went goal for goal in an absorbing battle that highlighted all that is good about Australian Football.

The opening term started at breakneck speed with typical finals intensity. With John "JMac" McGrath at the bottom of every pack, Rhys "Frodo" Harris in the centre, and the return of Barlow, it was tight in the clinches with neither team giving an inch. Kevin "Organic" McLean was moved to a wing and enjoyed his move up the ground with numerous possessions. In one of the best one-on-one battles ever seen in this league, Paul "The Glove" Zuccato was matched up with the Eagles forward, colloquially known as "Big F$#%". These two giants had a tremendous battle, with neither warrior giving an inch and both players swinging for the fences. With scores tied, McGrath kicked truly after the siren from a tight angle putting the Hawks ahead by a goal at the first change.

The second quarter was more of the same with Ben Carter marking and goaling. The tight Hawker defence was holding strong, lead by club captain Stefan Leyhane, who was having a typically sensational game across half back, who linked with the in-form Andrew "Eminem" Ackles. Big Bad James Benic was a physical presence with some bone jarring hits and Forbes Gemmell was covering a lot of territory and presenting himself all over the ground, kicking a goal to keep the Hawks just in front at the half.

In another tight third quarter, the ball swung from end to end with neither team able to gain the ascendancy until there was more officiating controversy. OAFL field umpire Kanu, who was actually goal umpiring in this game, decided he would get more involved in things by running onto the field, interrupting play as the Hawks were clearing and then somehow sending off a Hawks player and awarding a goal square free kick, when he clearly had no jurisdiction to do so. It was one of the most appalling and farcical pieces of umpiring ever seen in this league and will likely have him sent to the Nunavut Under Nines next week. Kanu was not the only umpiring casualty of the day after the scheduled umpire for the game, Roscoe, apparently had to cancel at the last minute after being mauled by his pussy cat. "It's just not fair" cried a tearful Roscoe. "The players hate me, the fans hate me and even my own pets hate me". This goal square gift in a tight game would prove to be crucial and put the Eagles just ahead at the last change.

In a torrid last quarter, the Hawks were under siege as the Eagles dominated the first few minutes of play setting up countless scoring opportunities and kicking a goal to stretch their lead to thirteen points in a low scoring game. However, the Hawks would not lie down and dug deep. With a lion hearted four quarter effort from noted finals player Brian "The Gazelle" Cowie, the Hawks lifted. Matty "Legal leech" Bernado started to find some ball on the wing and in incredibly courageous fashion, he led from the front by taking a gutsy mark running with the flight of the ball. His teamates lifted and McGrath dobbed his second after a fifty metre penalty and it was back to less than a goal. In the final frenetic minutes, the Hawks had all the play as the Eagles pushed numbers back. There were a couple of tough opportunities with Al Paulson missing a difficult chance, Palin marking after it being touched off the boot and then captain Leyhane charging into the forward line in the final seconds but the Hawks were unable to convert and went down in a heartbreaking five point defeat. It was a wonderful game played in great spirit and a great advertisement for the OAFL.

At the post game press conference, club captain Leyhane faced the media. "We're disappointed with the result today, but not our effort. At the start of this finals series, we needed to win three games to win the premiership. Nothing has changed, we still need to win three games". Head coach Marty Walter, wiping away the froth from his mouth, echoed Leyhane's sentiments. "We played our hearts out today. I coached my guts out and left half of them on the sidelines. There was also a minor over-salivation issue. To win today, we needed everyone to play their best game. We didn't quite manage that and as a result, we just didn't get the job done."

The OAFL Awards Banquet followed the game where the who's who of the league gathered to celebrate the high achievers of the competition. In what was a supposedly semi formal/business casual dress code for the evening, the function at times looked like a convention for fifteen year old skateboard dudes. With 'urban sneakers' and denim that needed both a good wash and a needle and thread, it was a poor reflection on what should have been a red carpet glamour evening for the league. The Hawks figured prominently with Ben "Steel Magnolias" Carter winning the league's leading goalkicker award and being named in the OAFL All Star team, along with perenial all star Stefan "The Linens are Back" Leyhane, who was also the team's vice captain. Leyhane certainly didn't make the all star fashion team with a disasterous blue striped linen shirt that apparently came from the same bin at 'Honest Ed's' as those seen early this year from the Hillier family. Paul "The Glove" Zuccato was rewarded for his sensational season as the full back in the team.

Perhaps the biggest surprise of the evening was the announcement of the OAFL All Star Coach of the Year as Hawkers Head Coach, Marty Walter. Even Walter was somewhat taken a back as the Hawks faithful gave him a rousing standing ovation and the room erupted into complete pandemonium. Walter later faced the media and had clearly had one or two at the function. "I run a couple of mining companies. I run a football club. Now, I own this whole f%$#ing league! People have been critical of my unconventional approach but this just goes to show that a completely unattractive, inarticulate guy, with no original ideas, no football nous, no interpersonal skill and no management structure can still make it in this competition. So you can all go f%$# yourselves!"

Despite the casual nature of the function, the Hawks were looking resplendent in their team jackets and were accompanied by some glamourous ladies. Many players had organised dates for the evening but like a low budget air show, there was just crashing and burning all around. Mark "Smitty" Magierowicz was forced to eject from the cockpit after his date left mid evening. First, she ducked out of his attemped kiss on the cheek and then evaded his last ditch end of evening hug, in a very messy finale that left him tumbling out of his plane without a parachute. Richie "Lunch Cut" Jenner had similar problems with his date, but he at least had the smarts to appreciate that his flight was going down and disembarked the wreckage before severe injury ensued. Yet again, the club's VP Female Relations, John "JMac" McGrath, was actively negotiating a potential merger he has been working on for many months. "Most of my off field dealings have been hostile takeovers and acquisitions with high yield, short term results" explained McGrath. "This has involved a lot more wheeling and dealing with a longer term partnership view". McGrath also took the opportunity to re-introduce his white leather Soprano style shoes with black pants, which was clearly a reportable offence but he was cut some slack when his date arrived looking 'all that' in a low cut black dress. Rumours abound that the deal was finally closed, with McGrath Industries soaring to record highs on the TSX in anticipation of the announcement.

The night ended with a monumental blunder from the club's VP Social, Forbes "Don't Blame Me" Gemmell, after the seemingly simple task of moving the players and partners from the awards banquet to the next venue. Gemmell, who has really struggled in recent weeks with the choice of post-game pub, was all at sea yet again. With half of the team setting up camp in the Century Room, the other half were unable to get in with long lines and an exhorbitant cover charge and were forced to drown their sorrows on the patio at Fionn McCool's. It was a complete debacle with players in the two groups getting irritated with one another and then Gemmell doing his usual early night Houdini act to avoid facing responsibility for the whole fiasco. He will face a Hawks front office executive committee during the week with a fine or suspension imminent.

The Hawks take on the Toronto Downtown Dingos in next week's first semi-final at Humber Field.

Goalkickers:

Ben Carter (2), John McGrath (2), Forbes Gemmell (1), Alan Paulson (1)

Three Stars:

1. Paul "Flowers" Zuccato
2. Brian "The Big Man" Cowie
3. Andrew "Superman" Ackles