Walter disappointed the crowd by reluctantly pulling out at the last minute due to a strained heart muscle. He still managed to fight through the pain and pace the boundary impressively, stopping only to pick daisies with his daughter and have a quick game of patty cake. Despite losing their 'star' player and a no-show from anchor Dan Noone, the Hawks' second side still felt confident and took to the field, led by substitute captain Brendan "If I had a beard I would be Gimli" Bell.

Right from the get go, the Hawks were in control and kept the Blues' seconds scoreless in the first half. This history making game was a great way to open the Hawks season and the boys came out with a 40 point win. Things will only get better for the Hawks B side as the year goes on.

After some stern words from the Super Coach, the second quarter saw more even play from the Hawks as they started to find their feet and the ball. Building the best wall they could, Stefan "Ghost" Leyhane and Luke "Bangs" Walker managed to slow the flow of goals and the Hawks pulled the lead back and put themselves in the game. The moral was building and kicks were hitting targets and the move to send Nick "Little Treasure" Shuttleworth into the forward line started paying dividends as he opened his account on his way for six for the day.

The second half saw the Hawks take the lead in the premiership quarter and have a nice three or four goal lead heading into the final stretch. Kelly "Cannonball" Formela fiercely contested any 50-50 ball and marking pack he could get close to and might have earned himself a spot on the back flank. Although not kicking any goals, Rob "I need a nickname" Vickers' play around the forward line was not unnoticed. He ended up having five shots at goal and managed to push an opponent's spine through his chest in a heated discussion over the price of fuel. Ian "Pipsqueak" Graham had one of his best efforts and kept his feet, saving the flips for after the game. Jono "Tool of the week" Barlow combined well with Chris "Angry" Phyland to give the middle its drive. The best on ground performance from Rhys "Frodo" Harris should see his selection in the Northwind side firm, and other strong performances came from Nick "Eating machine" Barden, Pablo "Digits" Willis, and Mario "Worst flag signaling ever" Pareja for his half arse goal umpiring.

Post-game ceremonies were held at the Grace O'Malley's where the night held many new adventures for the boys and was led by Aubrey "Magic gloves" Harris, who singled out a young lady quicker than Marty could call up the B team. Shuttleworth refused the option of underwear, still going with the jeans with the rip in the arse, causing the bar security to eye off the group. Through reliable sources on Facebook, photographic evidence has been spotted of Ian and Danny doing a half-nude drunken photoshoot for a crowd of ladies while standing in the street. Further investigation will be needed.

The Hawks have the long weekend off before facing the High Park Demons on May 24th at noon.

Mullins on the field

The Broadview Hawks got off to a flying start with a well deserved win over the Etobicoke Kangaroos in their preseason warm up match on Saturday. The signs are promising for the heavily recruited side and Super Coach, Marty Walter, was in fine form inspiring and motivating his team to a three goal win. Fresh from the Raptors' Red Party, where he shared his overwhelming wealth of knowledge with a very appreciative Raptors coaching staff, Walter came out with all guns blazing and this performance will be one to remember.

The start saw the Hawks play at 10 am, which turned out to be a blessing in disguise — this was the only game not to get rained on. The starting line up had several new faces all keen to impress and earn their stop. Henry "Hank" Suh put in an impressive performance on the wing, where he will no doubt make an impact proving hard to catch and harder to get away from. Rob "Bigger than Vossie" Vickers made a solid start in the backline before Super Coach made a tactical move, swapping Andrew Hodd to half back and Rob into the ruck to scare the shit out of the opposition.

Terry "Token" Ludeman had fresh legs and plenty of the ball due to skipping the usual 5 km warm up run before playing and was promptly tagged in the second half and offered a job at the end of the game. Not to be outdone, Ian "Pipsqueak" Graham took the opportunity to trip over his own feet when 10 metres in the clear and prove that it is piss funny to watch him play. There were other notable performances from around the ground but most notable was the vast improvement in game play from last year.

With the win under their belt, most of the Hawks stuck around to watch the rest of the matches and enjoy a close contest between the OAFL All-stars and Northwind. Once again, Super Coach came to the rescue with an amazing half-time speech delivered the way only he can, in between sips from his sixth beer. Sticking to a simple game plan, Walter instructed the All-star side to "go out there and play good". By the end of the day Super Coach's record was 2-0.

With the footy over, the Hawks gathered at their new sponsor bar Grace O'Malley's for a night of shenanigans. Though the day was full of positives, the first run must have taken the wind out from beneath some of the team's wings because the new VP Social, Hoddy, could only manage a half-baked excuse as to why he was not attending. This reporter wonders if we will have an improvement on last year's Social Director, Forbes "Couldn't organize a root in a brothel" Gemmell. Not to say that this was the only Hawk to put in a questionable performance — Marc "I steal trophies coz I can't win 'em" Magierowicz was seen fleeing the bar with girlfriend in toe muttering on about how he "just has to see Maid of Honor or he would just die" and Jonathon Barlow made a seamless return to the team, quickly downing a beer before being whisked away by his girlfriend.

And so it was left to the rest of the team to make a night of it. With a strong core of young bachelors it was a night where miracles could happen. Token was pulling off some amazing dance moves, Nic "Yes, that was me tripping over on the telly" Barden couldn't string two words together, and it was around 1:30 am when Luke "Let's play as a team and do it my way" Walker somehow persuaded an attractive young blonde that she should see his pet scorpion he has drying out under his bed. Ian "I tried to call myself guns but got pipsqueak instead" Graham made the most of his newly found marital status and was seen making love eyes with a 'friend' who this reporter has heard he has been making baked goods with on a regular basis. Dan "Hamburger" Walker must have had too much to drink and was spotted escorting his Wednesday night girl home when it was clearly Saturday night. All in all, the Broadview Hawks could call the day a smashing success.

You can watch the Hawks take on the Central Blues in the first round this Saturday at 3 pm at Humber North.

Join us on Saturday, May 3rd for the Season Kick-off Party at Grace O'Malley's on Duncan Street. All proceeds go to Northwind, Canada's national team as they prepare for their trip to Melbourne in August.

The development program is aimed at enhancing the skills and knowledge of young Canadian players about the Australian code of football and, likewise, giving a young Australian a chance to travel abroad and experience the great north of Canada. Starting in 2008, one player from each club will be able to nominate themselves to be selected and have the opportunity of a lifetime to play the 2009 football season on the other side of the earth. In addition to this great experience, the selected individuals will receive a return flight plus assistance with accommodation and employment once they arrive in their new surroundings.

This is a great opportunity for a young Canadian athlete with a passion for footy to travel to the birthplace of the game and get a first hand taste of football while seeing Australia. The program is designed to challenge the selected individual's skill level against more experienced opponents, and help fast track the development of the player while getting to live and work overseas.

As part of the exchange, the Hawks will have one NOBSPC player come over and join the Hawks line up to share their experience and knowledge and help further the development of the players at the club in Toronto, all whilst experiencing all that Canada has to offer.

Other player placement programs have taken place in Canada before and have worked with great success. The players who have taken part in the program came back to Canada with a greater understanding of the game and have better developed skills; with some of these players currently representing Canada on the national team.

Broadview Hawks currently have five members on the roster who have been involved with either NOBSPC or attended St. Patrick's College. The Hawks look forward to continuing this relationship for many years to come.

Hawks hockey team logo

Preparations are in full swing at Hawks Headquarters for the 2008 season. Plans are being put in place to help get the club over the hump and reach their goal, after finishing second and third respectively in 2006 and 2007.

In an effort to keep fit and the team together, the boys play hockey each Tuesday night at 10 pm at Central Arena. It's great (and amusing) to see the Aussies on the ice rink. We'll also be playing in the fabled PDAC - Caracle Cup Hockey Tournament on March 1st. With a great logo from Bridgy, we'll have those miners intimidated.

We're actively recruiting new players for the season. Training will begin at the start of April. If you're interested — no experience is required — please contact us at info@broadviewhawks.com. You can also join us for a little "Hawkey".

With the border out of the way, the team convened in the dining car where the beer flowed like wine and the burgers like soggy cardboard. Having only 45 minutes between the border and Buffalo, the boys had to pin the ears back if they were going to finish their allocated three beers each.

With the luggage deposited at the hotel, it was off to the Pearl Street brewery for a meal and the chance to mingle with the local mullet-wearing Sabres fans. To help fit in, the boys had their own mullet and ceremonially passed around the sweater -- the one time that a camera was allowed on a footy trip, capturing the moment when a local Buffalonian in camouflage embraced his mulleted brother Hawk.

As the game time got closer and the number of empty beer tubes piled up, Luke "What, only $20 for a round of shots? Get two" Walker got two rounds of shots that were followed up by a random guy that had been standing by trying to protect his two girls from the ever-advancing Walker brother team. Stefan "I can't believe Bridgy got whiter than me" Leyhane, in full mullet and sweater glory, was seen trying to find the secret to the Buffalo chicken wings in the kitchen.

The tab was paid and the boys hit the HSBC Arena only to find themselves higher than Joe Cocker on the third level. The game got underway and the Sabres were putting away more goals than Matty "Stares at other people's food" Parik puts away hotdogs. After the seventh goal there was an incident that rivals the high 5 disaster of the west Indian cricket team when Nic "I won't condone that in the work place" Barden raised a high five that left Luke with mustard all over his face. It wasn't apparent then but mustard and Bardo were to make another bold statement at a later time.

The excitement got too much for one local fan who had joined the Hawks, thanks to the ticket left vacant by Noone, so he was politely woken and told the game was over. After the game, there was a quiet night cap had at one of the downtown establishments where it was decided that they all should go to bed early to make sure they didn't miss the train the next day and -- I repeat -- no one got escorted home by the police or thrown out of any bars.

The morning greeted the team with a local emergency response unit who were called for what was presumed to be an act of biological warfare only for it to be cleared as a stench coming from one of the rooms. They found Bridgy inside and resuscitated him but he never recovered. While Bridgy drove the porcelain bus, the team roundezvoused at the hotel bar where the wings piled up mostly in front of Parik and Andrew "Looks awfully natural in a mullet" Hodd. Ian "I am way too good looking for Buffalo" Graham did his best to impersonate a pile of coats in the corner. It was at this time when Sammy turned up courtesy of Nic "I can spend more money on something less relevant than Jmac" Barden. With dog under arm -- and then kicked across the car park -- the Hawks were on their way to stand at the train platform for the delayed train. This allowed time for the biggest snowball fight that downtown Buffalo has ever witnessed. There were big snowballs, little ones, some that were off target and hitting locals cars, bags full of snow, Chris "Insert angry comment here" Phyland sliding across the platform and Sammy biting ankles.

The train eventually arrived and the boys loaded up and split between the two classes again. The guys down the back were left to sit there and enjoy each other's company while the guys up front emptied the bar and stocked their pockets for the hour long wait at the border. Again the boarder crossing went off without a hitch and again there was a compulsory team meeting which took place in the bar to celebrate the fact that they let everyone back into Canada. Everyone was there -- Sammy, Pinball, the guy studying dentistry in the corner, and the Frenchie collecting tickets -- and, after a quick whip around, there was a pool put up and Nic "Keen as mustard" Barden took to the tub of Dijonaise. Unfortunately, this was one eating challenge Bardo was unable to complete as he only downed about 30 packets.

By the time the train pulled into Union the only thing left in the bar was three cans of Guinness and a bottle of wine. With the votes for Best on Trip about to be cast, Bardo made one last plea to his followers by tipping his Ceaser Smirnoff on his head. Post game analysis was conducted at Gabby's, where it was left to the seasoned professionals to put the last nail in the coffin that was Footy Trip Buffalo 2007.

On a personal note from this author, I couldn't help but feel a sense of pride as I sat at work the next day shaking with withdrawl symptoms and sweating alcohol -- it was a trip to go down in history. Police escorts, mullets, the sweater, Sammy, Pinball, the feta pizza and Smitty being voted Worst on Trip.

Much thanks to Bridgy for all his hard work putting it together.

Mario accepting his 'Rookie of the Year' award

The Broadview Hawks held their highly exclusive Awards Night on Friday night. All the big names were in attendance: Phyland, Mintz, Palin, Vos, Noone, Hodd and even a Pope, just to name a few. It was harder to get into than the Oscars and, with new sponsor Grace O'Malley's hosting, the night was set to go off with a bang. Amongst the excitement that was the red carpet, questions were asked of whom would walk away with the much coveted Best and Fairest award. The competition would be fierce with previous winner John "No show" McGrath being the favorite, followed by Stefan "Unusually white" Leyhane, Forbes "I refuse to be social" Gemmell and Dan "One man party" Walker being the dark horses (well, except for Stefan, he is far too white).

With the masses seated and the meals ordered, Kevin "VP Graphics" Bridgman treated the crowed to a surprise highlight video. The eight minute video was chock full of goals, big hits, great plays and Bardo running into an open goal and missing. Overall the video brought out the best that the Hawks could have been through the year and was a great start to the night.

Due to his utter lack of social skills and his willing attendance of a baby shower early in the year, Forbes made it a one horse race and won the 'Gone Fishin'' Award. In an interview later on in the night Forbes, overrun with emotion, thanked his teammates. "Thanks guys, I really deserve this" he said. It was a close call for the next award but there was no argument in presenting the 'Wives Hospitality' Award to Jules, Erin, Ya Jian and Bardo for letting the team into their homes and lowering their property values.

As the night started to hit full swing, Marty "Monkey eye" Walter thought it was as good a time as any to get up and present the 'Coach's Award'. Giving a speech that was set on the motto of the never ending story, Marty finally got to the point and handed the award to Luke Walker. Not to be outdone, Dan "Super boot" Walker received the 'Leading Goalkicker' Award, only to have it fall into the possession of Mark "I'll win an award even if I have to steal one" Magierowicz. To finish of an impressive year, Mario "Fighting = fun" Pareja walked away with both the 'Rookie of the Year' Award and the 'That Look in his Eye' Award. Stepping into some big shoes left by Paul "Suspension, what's that?" Zuccato and filling the part nicely was this year's 'Most Improved' Kevin Bridgman.

With all the other awards out of the way, it was time for the big one, the 'Best and Fairest'. The shock in JD's eye was quite tragic when his name wasn't called and John McGrath was announced as the winner. With Jmac out of town, the award was passed onto Ashley who was the closest at the time, despite objection from Dan, who was convinced that he should win on the basis of default as he was next in line.

When the dust settled and the awards handed out, the party kicked into overdrive and it got a little hazy for this reporter. There was a lot of banter and drunken "No man, I love YOU" but it can be safely said that the night was a complete success. The Broadview Hawks would like to thank its sponsors Ironbark and CCIC and host Grace O'Malley's and the players thank all the wives and girlfriends for being so tolerant throughout the year.

The Broadview Hawks will be back next year bigger and stronger than ever.

Join us on Friday for our annual Awards Night at Grace O'Malley's on Duncan Street.

Further, even with shockingly poor performances from embattled VP Social Forbes "I'll do nothing and call it outsourcing" Gemmell and a non-existent female relations branch formerly manned by the ruthlessly dictatorial Marc "I have to make quarterly trips to Ottawa to meet girls I haven't struck-out with" Mageriowicz, the Hawks managed to pull together another successful Ladies Day. Designed to thank the Hawk better halves for another summer of cancelled plans and absentee gentlemen, the Hawks brass pulled together a fantastic feast for their lady folk who turned out in droves to support the squad. "I don't know much 'bout this footy thing, but I do know sparkling wine," said one attendee, who certainly didn't miss the opportunity to take note of one key absence on the day. "It's Ladies Day, so obviously Smitty wasn't welcome," she said. "I heard from an assistant coach that the team shipped him up north to try and avoid the obvious embarrassment," she added.

With the disgraced VP out of the picture, unnamed, injured and past Hawks were more than willing to cater to the ladies' every need, and given the swelling size of the Hawk day care department, all conversation and jocularity remained above board, with only a few exceptions coming from the always uncouth Jono "Rat-weasel" Barlow, who insisted upon regaling the crowd with inappropriate tales of South American brothels. As a result, early reports have Hawk drought-artists Marc "Smitty" Mageriowicz, Brian "How'd I get in this one" Cowie and Richie "No seriously, baby, firefighters are automatically heroes" Jenner, booked on flights to the region within days. Their availability is in serious question for next week's contest.

A chilly morning greeted the teams at Humber North, and had the normally tough as nails Walker brothers questioning their decision to travel to the Northern Hemisphere. "It's bloody miserable out here," started Luke, the eldest of the two. "Just look over there at Dan, I think that tear is actually frozen to his face," he added. Given presense of the ladies though, the Hawks were hard-pressed to show any level of weakness or discomfort, and quickly donned the shorts and jumpers to begin what has easily been the Hawks most desperate warm-up session of the entire season. "No matter what I do, I'm chilled right to the bone," remarked J.D. "Massive for a pigmy" Ney which, in fairness, is not difficult to accomplish for the diminutive winger.

With goals flying all over the ground from John "Ladies day is more complicated than you might think" McGrath; Richie "I can slice apart a defense or a tuna roll with equal precision" Mintz and of course Dan "Everyday is Ladies Day" Walker. In fact, the play up front was so inspiring, that two surprising Hawk future stars did their best to get into the action when Anne "Seriously, it's a really tough dude's name back home" Vos, launched a beautiful, albeit dangerously high pass to a streaking Ney who caught the pass right in the goal square. What looked like a sure goal for the unlikely duo was tragically nullified by a trip called behind the play, and a whimpering Ney was forced to hand the ball over to team-mate Mintz, who slotted the easiest goal of his OAFL life, the kind of shot Ney had at least a 25% chance of converting.

Despite the incident, both players were able to see past it largely due to the team-building efforts of the dynamic Vos-Bridgman tag-team who never seem to miss a chance to show-off that often awkward backline solidarity. "How can I stay mad at J.D. for accusing me of taking a dive when you have those two frolicking around like that. It just warms your heart," said an emotional Mintz. Regardless of the antics, the Hawks were unstoppably dominant on the day, and finished the fourth with the game well in hand.

In a post game interview, coach Walter was obviously ecstatic, but characteristically cryptic. "I think the reason we won, is... um... as such the Aussie... Australians along with the South Africa and even the Canada were... um... as such as they found the ball." Despite being largely nonsensical, Walter did seem to touch on the notion that it took more than just the Hawks' all-star lineup of Aussies to take the win. Adding a few token musings about what it takes to be coach of the year, Walter turned his attention quickly back to the ongoing Ladies Day festivities. Seeing as it is playoff time, the team has become standoffish with the media, unwilling to divulge any information regarding injuries, simply stating the requisite upper body injury to player A, and a lower body injury to player B. In fact, the only player to escape this sort of protectionism seems to be the absent Mageriowicz, who is listed on the team's official injury report as suffering a non-football related bruised ovary.

The Broadview Hawks can be seen next on Sept. 22nd, at Humber North against the Etobicoke Kangaroos, in what should be the match of the year.

Come out and show your appreciation for the Hawkettes. We couldn't have gotten here without them.

Despite the off field set-backs, a confident Hawks side made the trip to Guelph, Ontario to rekindle their rivalry with the local Gargoyles side. With several key Hawks missing in action, including Coach Martin "If one more person says 'sub-prime mortgage' I'm going to lose it," Walter the fate of the team once again fell on the diminutive shouldered, but ample gutted Dan "Socks on hardwood" Noone. In what was an undoubtedly Walteresque pre-game rant, Noone called on his veterans to carry the day, and play hard for every square inch of ground, except for the massive hills in the pockets, because they were just silly and had no place in football. In fact, tragically enough, the last half of the screed was really just a mess of garbled comments about landscaping.

Despite the kind of rain that would have had Noah heading out to the hardware store, the Hawks were undeniably solid through the entire half, with a number of brilliant performances. Particularly remarkable were the efforts from Nic "Can't spell Cockatoo without the cock" Barden, and John "Like sands through the hourglass" McGrath, whose work out of the middle was inspiring. With a great effort from all of those on the field, the Hawks carried a significant lead into the half.

Unfortunately for the Hawks, the only similarity between the first and second half, was the regularity with which Pareja was sent off the field. The Hawks seemed to just hit the cruise control from then on in, and were lucky to escape town with what was still a sizeable victory.

The win, however, did not come without its costs, as late in the game, Ian "Metro" Graham caught a reflection of himself in a puddle that had formed on the field. Thinking that he may have noticed a hair out of place, the usually unflappable Hawk backliner paused momentarily to sort out the emergency follicle crisis, only to be flattened by a bald Gargoyle, who obviously did it largely out of jealousy. On his way to the ground, the concussed Hawk managed to get the rogue hair back into line, but tragically dislocated his thumb in the effort.

Post-game, Graham was escorted to a local hospital to get the thumb straightened, followed by a trip to the salon, where he showed that hair who's boss. Accompanying Graham to the hospital was Pareja who was sent for multiple transfusions.

After the game, the always hospitable Guelph side showed a rag-tag group of Hawks around town, and full details of the evening are still being reviewed by local law enforcement. Suffice to say that several new university students who had just arrived in town may never be the same.

After next week off, the Hawks will be taking on long-time rivals the Etobicoke Kangaroos in a game that will have dramatic finals repercussions.

Despite the initial wounded reaction, the Jmac memo was eventually adopted as a necessary motivator for a side that was, up to that point in the season, operating on something of a cruise mode. Despite a solid record and a third place standing, the Hawks knew there was more in the tank, and that improvements had to be made if their premiership destiny was to be fulfilled, and, more importantly to some, the Walter repeat was to come to fruition.

As such, a hungry Hawks line-up found its way to Humber North on Thursday evening for a match-up against the always stubborn Lakeshore Rebels. Despite having their way with the Rebs throughout the season, the Hawks found themselves shorthanded on the evening, with key members out of the line-up such as Chris "Let's try a half monger joke here this time" Phyland and Forbes "Searching for my hairline in Northern Manitoba" Gemmell, who, according to team officials, was given bereavement leave from the team to mourn his lost youth and vitality in his new post-30 reality. Other team insiders though claim it was simply an elaborate cover-up, and Gemmell is attending a series of baby showers disguised as a 40 year old woman. Further compounding the Hawks problems was the unexpected absence of team stalwart Stefan "London Fog" Leyhane who was reportedly on his way to the game when he passed by a moving truck on the street and was allegedly distracted for hours, thus missing the entire contest.

This call to action was particularly well heard by Steve "Seriously, I've got nothing" Casey who has been a hitherto quiet but solid member of the Hawks on-ball platoon, as he literally took the reins of the game early, on his way to a best-on-ground performance.

Other notable efforts came from newly minted captain himself, along with his backline compatriots, who kept the entire Rebels offence at bay for the length of the game with brilliant ball movement and hard-hitting, literally intimidating their way to victory.

That said, the Hawks have still found that perfect game to be somewhat elusive, as several key errors prevented the Hawks from really blowing the game open. Continued erratic kicking from the front line and on-ballers, plus the frankly tragically sad ability of winger J.D. "Slightly too small for that new Canadian Junior Girls Team" Ney to be blown over by both the wind and the ball, seem to be holding things back. On both fronts, team executives have promised solutions to be ironed out in practice over the next two weeks.

That said, other Hawks found a game of the year performance in this contest, with players like Ian "Metro" Graham running well from the backline, and the tandem of Luke "My mom says I'm the handsome one" Walker and Richard "I wish I could cut just one more lunch" Jenner simply proving too much for the Rebels on-ballers to handle.

Post game activities continued at team headquarters, Philthy McNasty's, where the Hawks reminisced, ate and drank well into the night, with the exception of Dan "Canadian chicks hit hard" Walker, who spent the evening nursing both his beer and a jaw injury. It was unclear wheather the injury was a result of a massive mid-game collision, or an inadvisable Walter wing-man set-up gone awry. Team doctors are said to be evaluating the star forward this week, and Toronto's single female population should have word on his status for weekend revelry shortly.

The Hawks have this coming weekend off, but are back in action the following weekend against long time rivals the Downtown Dingos in a game that will have serious playoff repercussions.

With most players on the bus, the coaching staff proceeded to divulge the strategy for the day. A spokesman from the team expressed the surprise at this development, "Yeah we were shocked. This whole game strategy thing was completely new to us. The only thing I'd ever heard along the lines of strategy from the coaching staff was 'you take the blonde, I've got more of a chance with the brunette'". The coaching brass had been searching far and wide for some new inspiration and it came all the way from Singapore in the form of specialist forward coach Steven "I'll rip up 20s if it's coming from Phylo" Walter.

The ground upon arrival was in dire need of some watering and it looked as though the clouds weren't going to provide it this day. An insider explained, "It was a dustbowl out there. The ground was as hard as getting into Brant House with no chicks and white trainers on. It was as though Hamilton had been having a drought of Smitty proportions."

The second quarter saw the team continue on from the first with the backline holding strong and the forward line capitalizing on any ventures towards goal. Luke Walker was solid as ever across half-back and Mario Pareja's endless bustling runs through the packs were instrumental in setting up many Hawk goals. The midfield cordon of Nic Barden, Christopher Phyland, Stefan Leyhane, Forbes Gemmell and John McGrath provided constant run in the oppressive heat and, come half-time, the Hawks had notched up a game winning lead, while the Wildcats had no answers to the onslaught.

By the third quarter the sun and humidity began to take a part in the game's outcome. A gradually fatiguing Hawks outfit began to lapse from the previously successful game plan and Hamilton snuck a couple of easy goals in against the run of play. Kevins McLean and Bridgman, along with solid support from Andrew Ackles, provided a repelling force against the Hamilton attack, but the resulting forward forays were not as damaging.

The final quarter saw a slight resurgence in Hawk dominance led by the irrepressible Dan Noone, but the Wildcats to their credit battled to the final whistle. The Hawks lifted again, though, and booted on to a 94 to 40 final victory.

Following the victory, the decision was made to visit the Hamilton team pub situated supposedly within earshot of the ground. After clearing customs and baggage check, the team began the celebration of the win under trying conditions with a quick beverage. Before moving on to the official post-match celebrations it was noted that Hamilton appears to have a slight copper problem in their beer with large coin sized residue found in many an empty pint glass. An onlooker advised that this could sully any beverage in the glass so the remedy was to quickly consume these beers before any chemical reaction could take place.

The fear of any copper contaminated bottles was all pervading. Luckily the teamwork of the Broadview Hawks averted a major chemical tragedy through rapid consumption of the suspect bottles on the Hawks bus to the BBQ celebration in Cambridge and later on the bus back to Toronto.

The party began with a fantastic spread put out by the Palins and a commendable further effort from the Hawks in preventing any copper poisoning. With a boisterous crowd, and food and beverage a plenty, it seemed as though nothing could go wrong.

And then disaster struck... the BBQ had run out of gas!!!

It was clear someone had to come to the rescue. Out of the shadows near the pool came the answer... "It's a bird, it's Leyhane, no... it's Super B Team Man"

One partygoer later explained, "The cries of 'it's a bird' came in response to the canary yellow t-shirt he was sporting tricking the crowd into thinking it was actually a big bird. The masses then became confused by the sheer bright light emanating off said shirt and began to cry "it's Leyhane'."

After recognizing the towel around his neck in true super hero fashion, they realized it was in fact Super B Team Man. He who was said to have been faster than a speeding slap and able to change toothbrushes in a single bound. This new breed of super hero was also thought to be unique in that he actually puts damsels into distress when he comes to their aid. A few pundits later queried what he actually did to avert the gas crisis but it was his entertaining of the ravished crowd that was truly superhuman whilst a new gas tank was found.

He was also instrumental in the discovery of an endangered species, in the Palin pool no less, commonly known as the White Whale but which is also known by its latin name of 'Drinkitum Everydayinus'. This quite rare animal was gone as quickly as it appeared with many onlookers as disappointed not to have seen it as those who actually saw it.

Meanwhile, a bevy of excited fans were eagerly anticipating the 2nd annual Edge-to-Edge Butterfly Gala Event. Reigning champ Brendan Bell was reluctant to repeat his feats in the pool but quickly responded to the taunts of his eager opponent, Dan Noone. A stray journalist was heard to have uttered "It was wonderful to see 2 superstars of the swimming world compete in a match race that was every bit as thrilling as the real thing. These 2 guys are athletes in every way and should be recognized just as much as the able-bodied... What?... What do you mean?... I'm not at the special?", before walking away with a dazed and quizzical look on his face.

The party agenda then moved on to the bomb competition with Andrew "Splashmouth" Ackles and Matt "My wake will put out fires on the West Coast" Parik the 2 contenders. The water in the pool was moving but many eyewitnesses were claiming that it was in fact visibly shaking at the prospect of their entry. The competition was clearly won by Parik and Richard Jenner quickly recruited him as a surefire secret weapon in joining the fire brigade.

The circus that was a Palin BBQ then got treated to an impromptu synchronized swimming event from the Walker brothers. A few sightings of the infamous white whale were uttered around this period but that was unsubstantiated.

During the performance Luke Walker seemed to have tripped over a stray bottle and subsequently joined Ian "Is my hair still in place underwater?" Graham, in chipping his tooth. A club insider seemed happy on this news though "It's about time we took on a harder look in this team. A few less teeth in this team never hurt anyone. Now all we need is more rude hairdos, tatts and some Utes in the team and I'll be in Ballarat again".

The festivities continued through the night with a few unfortunate fully clothed slips into the pool but overall it was a success. It was then time for the trip back on the bus to Toronto and further Hawk laced debauchery.

Details of the night's activities once back in Toronto were scant but supplies of paint, flour and pineapple tins were running dangerously low across the west end.

The team would like to thank the VP Family's Sean and Julie Palin for their patience and hospitality and also congratulate Hilly and his wife Rebecca on the birth of their new daughter.

The Hawks can next be seen 6:30 pm Thursday 2nd August at Humber North for their clash with the Lakeshore Rebels.

The Hawks got off to a flying start with Danny Walker opening up his account with a barrage of accurate bombs from way downtown. John "Jmac" Mcgrath then added to the lead with a set shot and the Hawks were away. Rhys "Frodo" Harris piped in for a brilliant individual goal off a snap from the pocket and the Hawks were running riot. The latter period of the quarter saw the Hawks blitzkrieg continue, but only resulted in behinds on the scoreboard. The 2nd and 3rd efforts were paramount and the Hawks were rampant. By the end of the period the team had sustained a 23 point lead with 4 goals 5 behinds to 1 straight goal. The tally of 9 scoring shots to 1 was a testament to their dominance.

The 3rd and 4th quarters can be summed up with the points tally following on from the first quarter – 2 goals 12 behinds. Once the Eagles were back into the game, the performance from the Hawks was nothing but dismal. With wayward kicking and general lack of pressure around the ground the Eagles were able to get away with a win that was there for the Hawks' taking.

At the post game press conference the coaching staff was absent and the media was dumbfounded by the announcement that a spokesman for the prevention of gum disease would be commenting on the loss. "It was just not good enough today. We thought we had a good team on paper but it's clear we came out and played with our B team, and got done. I may as well have stayed at home as I could have done the same on my own. Drastic changes have to occur if the team is to be competitive this year and they will be put into effect come training next week." The spokesman's last words were barely audible as he was off in a flash but it resembled "All star games are the only games that matter in this league..."

The team would like to congratulate Kevin McLean and his wife Adrienne on the birth of their baby daughter Kaia.